Monday, December 21, 2009

King of the Sloths Returns, Part Deux

I had to laugh when I saw that my previous post -- in (cough) April, heralded my triumphant return.  And then I lost my muse.  And my Procrastinitus really flared up.  And my son dropped a metal Tonka truck on my head while I slept on the couch, mentally enfeebling me to the point that I preferred to watch a bizarre cartoon called "Wow Wow Wubbzy" at 10 p.m. rather than churn out award winning prose on this heavily trafficked site.

But, my wife has made me promise to write a 2009 "Year in Review" mega-post before 2010.  That may be optimistic, although I do feel I owe my 3 Bangladeshian followers some content.  (They can't read English, but were told that my Og -- remember, that's what we're calling it until productivity increases -- when de-crypted, predicted the exact date of the Great Global Warming Tidal wave that is prophesied in the Scrolls of Gore.)

Actually, I do plan to write a lengthy review of "Avatar", James Cameron's long-awaited and truly spectacular piece of gooey, pantheistic, lib-tard drivel.  Here's a teaser synopsis:   

It's the future.  Humans -- that is, the greed-engorged spawn of Bushitler Satan Monkey -- have raped and despoiled and war-mongered their way across the galaxy, proving Agent Smith's axiom: "Humans are a diseeeeease."  But, Trees are good.  Plants are good.  Noble, wide-eyed, blue Indigenous Alien Peoples who worship trees, plants and rocks are especially good.  And pure.  And almost as enlightened as a big-shot Hollywood film director.  Just like the peaceful, fire-side dancing Native Americans, who only scalped enemies who had excessively large carbon footprints.  And the angelic Aztecs -- well, except for the whole misunderstood human sacrifice thing -- but that was because of Abu Ghraib.  But back to the movie.  So, Good tree-huggers, Bad humans.  The Bad humans -- surprise! -- blow up the aliens' sacred giant redwood tree, which is the size of the Sears Tower.  Then the saintly warrior Blue People, led by Kevin Costner, I mean, Tom Cruise, I mean, some Australian actor, fight back against  the Moloch-worshipping human oppressors and defeat their massive warships of death with a barrage of spears, angry, ululating war cries, dragons and the help of the Eewoks and Janeane Garafalo, who plays a terrifying carnivorous hippo/lion beast with T-Rex incisors and six legs.  (Oh, I'm now informed that that menacing CGI creature has nothing to do with Janeane Garafalo, other than similar grooming habits.  My mistake. )  And against all odds, Planet Utopia is saved, and everyone in the theater rises as one to communally weep and cheer and renew their vows to wipe with only one sheet of toilet paper.

That's the basic idea, although the movie was less nuanced than my recap.  I must say, though, that the 3D effects are stunning, amazing, pick-your-adjective phenomenal.  Cameron is a tendentious, aging hippie, but the man is a genius.  I'd go back and see it again, just for the visuals.  A more detailed review to come.