I have a few people in mind for the Death Panels

Today, rather than riff on something I find amusing, like how my three year old son Riley calls eyebrows "ow-breys," I am compelled to discuss -- if I can control my blood pressure with periodic ice baths -- the health care Debacle.  Apocalypse.  Abomination.  Blood boiling, teeth-gnashing, garment rending, Big Effing (to plagiarize our classy VP) mega-Catastrophe. (Or, if you're a grinning Pelosi-ite, work for MSNBC/CNN/ABC/CBS/NBC/PBS or write editorials for Pravda aka the New York Times, the totally awesomest achievement in the history of Big Beneficent Government.  They'll be celebrating this one for at least the next decade at Socialist Band Camp.)

Honestly, I cannot remember a time when I have been more seethingly furious than I was this past Sunday, when I sat and watched head Whipstress Nancy (wielding a ridiculous, super-sized wooden gavel used to commemorate Epic Achievements in Progressive Governance -- the most recent being Jimmy Carter's handling of the Iran hostage crisis) -- and her merry band of Reconciliators cheering their corrupt, fiscally insane, anti-democratic health care jam down.

Actually, no, I can remember a time I was angrier.  It happened a mere ten minutes after I witnessed the intentional destruction of the best health care system in the world, when--

Hah! Best health care system my malignant nose wart!  Tell that to little Marcellus whatsisname, that precious twelve year old boy who's mother lost her job, got sick and died! -- while Rumsfeld laughed at her funeral! -- you greedy, heartless, right wing beast!  All because one of your pet evil insurance companies, as part of a top-secret military experiment to sterilize lower income and transgendered Americans OR impregnate them with Dick Cheney's genetically altered sperm to create a race of pasty, gravelly-voiced super-torturing war criminals, denied her claim for reparations.  Or injected her with flesh eating bacteria.  Or, whatever.  Look, the cause and effect here doesn't matter.  It's symbolic.  It's about Bush -- because he Lied and people, like Marcellus's Mom, and Patrick Swayze -- Died! -- and it's why we need universal health care, including government subsidized body piercings and free medicinal marijuana, just like they have in enlightened Cuba.  Did I mention Marcellus is BLACK?  Yeah, you Nazis hate to see black folks getting medical treatment.  Despite being sprayed with fire hoses by bed sheet wearing tea-baggers, that African American boy, carrying only his Al Sharpton lunch box (donated by the New Extra Strength Black Panthers), hitch-hiked cross county from LA, where sources say he had been living in a refrigerator box inside Arnold Schwarzenneger's gold plated dumpster.  But I digress.  Marcellus eventually hitched a ride with an MSNBC news crew -- who luckily were in Utah filming a documentary on the home grown Mormon Terrorist Menace.  Eventually, he found his way to Harry Reid's office.  And then this courageous little boy with a heavy heart looked Senator Reid squarely in the eye and said: "Sir, my new best friend Mr. Axelrod has given me candy and told me that my mother would have been very proud if her death could be exploited by using me as a prop in your ruthless campaign to destroy the private health care industry.  And my other new friend Mr. Rambo -- he says the F-word a lot -- promised I could have my own Panda Bear from the San Diego zoo if I learned to say this speech he wrote for me and cried whenever that other man wearing the head set signaled me."  Obama did this for Marcellus, and all the unemployed ACORN public servants, and the Berkley Gender Studies Department and every person on Main Street who has a right to an infusion of Obama Cash and Obama Love, for he said 'suffer the little children to come unto me and I will make them eternal wards of the state, yea, verily.'  So, you and the rest of the black-hearted fascist veal eaters should just shut up and say 'may I have more patriotic tax increases, please.'   

Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted by a dissenting opinion, I was saying that I became several orders of magnitude angrier when our Supreme Leader, accompanied by his faithful, lobotomized assistant, Joe Eyegor Biden, triumphantly strode to his teleprompter to proclaim the Good News to All 27% of the People who were actually in favor of this government takeover of 1/6 of the economy. With his iconic Rushmorian jaw jutting skyward at about a 60 degree angle (any more upward chin tilt and he's going to need a teleprompter on the ceiling to keep the text within his line of sight), the Emperor declared that he had "heard the American people", and chosen to ignore their outraged screams of protest, because he was erudite and smart, and they were stupid, ungrateful lemmings that can't grasp their own self-interests. Plus, they were powerless to stop the Hope and Change wrecking ball, and in time, after the progressive brain chip implantation, they would come to embrace the demolition of their racist, imperialist country.

Seriously, at this point, Obama is such a brazen liar -- understanding that his media lap dogs will never call him on even the most outrageous, mendacious, hallucinatory prevarications -- that he can say anything about the magical properties of the health care bill.  The unending torrent of glib falsehoods that flow from his lips is breathtaking to watch, like listening to my five year old, with chocolate frosting smeared on his face, as he calmly assures me: "Daddy, let me be clear.  I did not eat the cake.  No, because I don't even like cake.  I don't even like soogar.  I eat soogar but I don't like it.  I think I saw the cake fly around the room, and out the window.  Then Riley ate it.  Plus, when we eat the cake, we make the cake lots bigger, so there's more for you and mommy and everyone to share. Ok, silly Daddy?" 

I have to paraphrase Obama's short victory speech, because my ears were filling with blood and I couldn't hear everything, but I think I caught the high points:  

My friends and fellow Americans.  This is a great day.  An historic day.  I received a lovely card from my friend Hugo Chavez, which said: 'Way to go, hombre.  You are a man of the peoples, a  revolutionary like Che.  Keep up the excellent work, my skinny comrade!'  I'll cherish that.  But this is not about me.  It's about Government by the people, Government for the people, Government around the people, Government tightly embracing the people, Government transforming the people.  This is what change looks like.  Let me be clearer than clear: As I have said many times before, during my hundreds of speeches in opposite world, this health care bill will reduce premiums, lower the deficit, grow giant chocolate bean stalks, insure all Americans, cost nothing, largely end genocide in Africa, not only provide better medical care, but indeed, invent medical care that doesn't even exist yet, like five second brain-cloning and underwater rhinoplasty, make time travel a reality, turn ugly people beautiful, make fat people bulimic, end the conflict in the Middle East, make abortions a truly festive occasion to be enjoyed by unwanted babies of any trimester, and mandate that all fat cat Wall Street bankers contract Ebola.  Now my affable cats paw, Mr. Gibbs, will take some questions. 

"Yes, Mr. Gibbs, Fawning Supplicant from ABC News.  The President said that the health care bill will cause greedy bankers to contract Ebola.  How and when will that happen?"
(Gibbs) "Well, Mr. Supplicant, you heard the speech.  Once the Ministry of Purifying Infectious Disease is in place, greedy bankers, and hopefully filthy rich CEO's -- that's part of the reconciliation package -- will start hemorraging blood from every orifice."
"That sounds great.  But, isn't Ebola contagious? Won't it spread to Main Street?"
(Gibbs, shuffling notes) "No.  Uh, we've had the Ebola, um, Ebola Inspector General certify that no subjects  living on Main Street will be infected.  And, if they are, they should eat, um, lots of organic arugula and they'll feel all better.  All right, no more questions.  The President has to revise his March Madness picks, and then attend a meeting with the Prime Minister of Israel where he will explain that Israelis must stop patronizing Sbarro's pizzerias and riding on buses, because constantly getting blown up is fostering the cycle of violence in the region."

We laugh so as not to cry.