Rant Potpouri

My apologies for the lack of recent posts -- I've been spending my nights fighting crime and reading the Stimulus Bill. I made it to page seven (of 1,300) and noted a few -- just a few -- questionable items. Such as:

177 million for installation of environmentally friendly bidets in Walmart bathrooms (John Kerry insisted on this provision as he greatly enjoys the 17 bidets in his wife's mansion and was scandalized when he discovered that the unwashed masses do not have access to this French method of paper-less gentle cleansing when shopping for Spam, Slim Jims, confederate flags and automatic weapons);
200 million for "Gout Awareness";
62 million for the National Endowment for the Arts, with 32 million specifically targeted to subsidize "Performance Artists who incorporate natural, free range urine, excrement or other bodily secretions into their patriotic work protesting the United States' imperialistic wars against innocent brown peoples";
1.8 million to Noam Chomsky for "a life time of scholarship and public service";
$27,000 for improved Vice Presidential hair plugs;
400 million to the newly formed U.N. Council for Peace, Harmony and the Humane Obliteration of the Zionist Menace;
$500,000 each to accredited Tort Lawyers in good standing to spur "entrepreneurial, wealth-creating class action litigation";
500 Million for Alternative Energy Research, including Di-lithium Crystals and the Flux Capacitor;
$8,000 tax credit for first time Democratic voters;
$5,000 tax credit for anyone disenfranchised in the 2000 election;
$3,000 tax credit for Native Americans because they are a noble people;
$250 million to MSNBC to promote "Excellence in Journalism";
$100 million to Jesse Jackson and his "Rainbow: Extort" Foundation to promote the Hope of Black Victimization;
$12 billion for "1,000 foot global warming tidal wave prevention and evacuation planning, and the construction of a lunar Bio-Dome powered by vegetable oil and Michael Moore's flatulence."
You get the general idea. This is a trim, fiscally responsible, "nothing-but-the-essentials" bill that is focused like a laser on cauterizing our economic blood loss. In fact, I think it's the best piece of legislation to come out of D.C. since the Alien and Sedition Act. Although I suppose a raging partisan intent on nothing but obstructionism could find fault with some of these provisions, I personally was pleased to see that this entire process has been exactly as President Obama promised: "targeted, transparent, and treeemendous." Or something like that.

Before we leave politics, allow me to mention one moment from the feature film length Obama press conference that made me fleck my television screen with rage spittle like Keith Olbermann.

It was when some blow dried crap weasel from one of the major networks stood up and asked when the President was going to allow the media access to the flag draped coffins of our soldiers so that -- and I quote -- "Americans can know the true cost of war."

Pardon me while my head explodes with Krakatoan-levels of anger.

Yes, the stupid, NASCAR-worshippin', Bible-thumpin', gun-totin', confederate flag flyin', SUV drivin' red state lemmings don't understand that when their friends, neighbors and family members go off to war, they are risking their lives. Why, that Rasputin-like Cheney has convinced them that they're over in Iraq and Afghanistan eating ice cream cones and chasing butterflies in sun-dappled fields of posies. Oh, and the sheeple remain frightfully ignorant of the evils of war despite the fact that the NYT, Washington Post, LA Times, MSNBC, Time, Newsweek, etc. etc. etc. breathlessly report -- in front page, bold type, all caps headlines -- whenever one of our heroic troops is killed. (Query: Could the deafening media silence on the success of the Surge, the dramatic reduction of civilian and military deaths have anything to do with liberal media bias and an unwillingness to report events that no longer conform to the favored "Vietnam Quagmire" template? No, that's ridiculous.)

The American people are quite familiar with the wages of war. War is Hell. It is also sometimes necessary to kill those who would kill us. The media elites -- who imagine all the peee-ople, living life in pee-eace -- will never get this. And the fact that they would eagerly sensationalize and cheapen those solemn and private moments so they can "teach" the mouth breathing, warmongering masses that war is "bad" makes me want to strap a Claymore to every one of their microphones.

While I'm purging all of my negative energy, allow me a brief screed about one of the upcomoing “events” I most loathe and detest -- the Wieners. I mean, the Oscars. There is nothing more insufferable than watching a bunch of snobbish, narcissistic, pea-brained celebrities filled with delusions of their own self importance tearfully congratulate each other for their “brave” and “stunning” artistic achievements – you know, like making an anti-Iraq war movie. Or a movie about a transgendered male couple who faced discrimination by torch wielding Mormons when they tried to adopt a gay Labradoodle. You go, Oliver Stone! Bravo, Tim Robbins! I bow before your mad acting skilz and awesome intellect, Sean Penn! Speak truth to ‘da Man! Yes, it takes stones the size of Rosie O’Donnell’s giant bulbous pumpkin head to criticize the policies of the Bush Administration while in La La Land. (The moment when the Oscars became officially dead to me is when "Shakespeare in Love" won for Best Picture over "Saving Private Ryan." That was a travesty on par with, say, "Tyler Perry's House of Payne" beating "Seinfeld" for Best Sitcom, or anyone beating Gloria Allred in the "Witchiest, Publicity-Seeking Evil Shrew" competition. The mind boggles.)


Have you taken a gander this year's list of “Best Picture” nominees? These films collectively took in about 18 dollars at the box office. See, Hollywood, er, the Academy , doesn’t nominate popular movies (see, e.g. Batman) for Oscars. That’s because unenlightened Philistines flock to those "blockbuster" movies. No, the Academy has far more sophisticated taste in films.

So, we get the following:

1.“The Curious Case of Benjamin’s Bottom” or whatever it’s called. It’s a touching, poignant story of a man who’s bottom gets firmer while everyone around him grows older, leading to Zzzzzzzzzzz …”
2.“Milk” – starring that brooding, deep thinker, Sean Penn. It’s about a famous gay guy who had lots of important gay related achievements. Cool. How about we all agree that being gay is the Best Thing Ever and just move on. I think the tag line for “Milk” should have been: “Being Gay! It does the body good!” – or just, “Got Gay?”
3. “Frost/Nixon”: A movie that shows the Richard Nixon was not a good person! I’m shocked! Why was I never told about this? That theme has never been explored before. And it’s very timely, given that Richard Nixon was President over thirty years ago. Seven people have seen this movie and they are all members of the Political Science department at Cal Berkley. (In all fairness, I like Ron Howard as a director -- "Cinderella Man" is one of my favorite movies -- and I've read that his portrayal of Nixon and the historical record is mostly accurate and even handed; nevertheless, to paraphrase Pauline Kael: "I don't know a single person who went to see this movie.")
4.”Slumdog Millionaire:” I know nothing about this film, nor do I care to. I’ll be sure to catch it when it comes to the Carlisle theatre as a double feature with “Mama Mia.”
5. “The Reader.” Wow. Sounds exciting! Should be the family hit of the Summer! Look for the sequels, “The Writer” and “The Arithmeticker.” I know it's supposed to be a poignant, emotionally wrenching, morally ambiguous tale about a young man who has a torrid affair with a woman whom he later discovers was a Nazi -- what pathos! -- but I'd rather watch "Kung Fu Panda" 30 times in a row (and I have).

Let's finish with a health tip. Drink lots of water.

That's what Tara always tells me. And I absolutely believe that keeping oneself nicely hydrated is generally beneficial. But I harbor some skepticism that water -- or the lack of it -- is the direct cause of so many common ailments. Here are some typical conversations I'll have with Tara:

Me: "I have got a pounding headache."
Her: "Well, have you been drinking enough water?"
(I'm almost willing to buy this cause and effect relationship, although I doubt there's a peer reviewed study showing that test subjects who drank water experienced less headaches than the control group who guzzled Coke and Sunny D.)

Me: "I'm really tired. I've got no energy today."
Her: "Yeah, and how much water have you had to drink? None, I'll bet."
(Lack of water = malaise. Perhaps fybromyalgia, chronic pain syndrome and a host of other imaginar, I mean, real diseases are all caused by a diet low in water.)

Me: "Honey, I'm a little concerned. I've been bleeding profusely from my eye sockets and cerebral-spinal fluid is leaking from my nose."
Her: "I don't want to hear it. When's the last time you had a glass of water? Did you ever think that hemorrhaging would stop if you drank water instead of sugary iced tea?")

I'm convinced that the Stimulus Bill would have been much less sucky if Obama, Pelosi et al had been drinking more water.