Political Correctness Is Fun

I spent several years working at a huge company that was so saturated with cult-like, PC idiocy, people (read: me) got into major trouble for heinous transgressions like, for example, not proudly displaying one's "Diversity Cube" (literally, a Rubix-cube with photos of smiling black, Hispanic, Asian, transgendered, Native American, non-WASP imperialist people on each cube) on our desks at all times.* 

*It should go without saying -- no, it never does -- that although I detest identity politics, I'm super-fine with Asians, African Americans, Hispanics, Romulans, etc.  However, I reflexively resisted being forced to keep a ridiculous cube -- attesting to my diversity bona fides -- on my desk.  "Look, visitor to my office.  See that odd cube, next to my in-box?  What does it do, you ask?  Why, it proves I'm a good and enlightened person, who supports Right thinking.  Underneath where it says: "At Giganticor, Diversity is Our Strength!", there is a photo of a smiling Chinese man, who appears to be writing equations on a blackboard.  He is obviously very smart, and he enjoys toiling for Giganticor.  Next to him is a picture of a woman of Latin American heritage, dressed in a power pant suit, far nicer than the kind that Hillary wears; she is laughing unselfconsciously, while seated in a glass-walled board room.  She is powerful.  At Giganticor, Hispanic women wield great power, behind the scenes.  Yes, true -- in my experience, this kind of spontaneous hilarity is not the norm in board rooms, but at Giganticor, Diversity makes everyone happy!  And by displaying this cube, I prove that I am not a racist or a "Phobe" of any type, even though I voted against Barack Obama."   

So, after I accidentally threw my Diversity Cube in the trash -- and was dutifully reported by a whistle-blowing co-worker (I am not making this up) -- I had to have a meeting with the company's Diversity Czar, HR and a sinister representative from the internal Ministry of Approved Thoughts and Behaviors, where I was told that my micro-chip implantation had failed and that I needed to go back to Sensitivity U for re-training.  Suffice it to say, I fought Authority and Authority won, although not before I unleashed a memorable tirade during mandatory "Six Sigma" training (this is where we spent two weeks in a meeting room not doing any actual work, with a grinning, animatronic "moderator" who helped us make paper airplanes cooperatively, learn about "plus/deltas" and how to improve all of our customer CTQ's with our handy statistical tool box), which earned me the moniker "Angry Man."  I wasn't really Angry -- I reserve that for people who block the left lane -- merely vexed.  Like Emperor Commodus, when he found out that Maximus was still alive.   

Anyway, I now have a good friend who toils for a different mega-company that has adopted eerily similar, feel-good, self-esteem raising, Orwellian best practices.  I think there is a federal regulation, rammed through by the Chi-Com PAC, that requires all U.S. companies with more than 250 employees to foist this morale and productivity killing multi-culti claptrap on it workers.  Dilbert knows whereof he speaks.  In particular, such companies are very big on "Awareness."  Because being Aware makes us Care.  And when we Care, we don't Stare at people with braided back Hair.  Thus, each month brings with it a new culture (never American culture), or obscure religion (never something from the icky, Western Judeo-Christian tradition) or little known Holiday (it's Aztec Child Sacrifice Thursday!  Feel Free to Bring in Your ceremonial Jade Daggers to Work, but Please do not carry them into the employee lunchroom), to be Celebrated! and Tolerated! in the most tacky, stereotypical way possible.  These announcements, churned out by some very well meaning people in the company's Progressive Propaganda section, are comedic gold.  "Gold, Jerry, Gold!"  I mean, I'm not Asian, but if I were, I think that if all my non-Asian friends and co-workers showed up one day wearing Kimonos and eating with chop sticks, I would not feel "culturally affirmed."  No, I'd likely find the whole thing to be incredibly stupid and insulting.  (Of course, this is why my nomination to be the Director of the NEA was blocked in committee.)  So, whenever my friend receives one of these company-wide missives, she forwards it to me, for additional comment.  

Below was my supplement to Asian Awareness Month.         

***PLEASE SHARE THESE ADDITIONAL GLAD DIVERSITY TIDINGS!***

Valued Associates -- Asian Immersion Month is just the glorious Beginning of MegaCorp's Diversity Delirium! In June, we will follow up on May's Awesome Asian Adventure with a celebration of the GATHERER PEOPLE OF VARIOUS THIRD WORLD DESERTS! All of us should learn more about these aborigines who, for thousands of years, have lived in roofless mud huts, surviving on a diet of sand fleas and pebbles, with only Al Gore audio tapes provided by GreenPeace for comfort and inspiration! Despite their lack of modern conveniences, they are a peaceful, joyous people who, unlike us, DO NOT DRIVE SUV's! They desire nothing more than to sing, dance and clap their hands while wearing no clothes. If the World was more like them, there would be No Wars, No Cancer, No Famine, No Sarah Palin, No Insurance Fraud and No Downs Syndrome Babies. Amazingly, despite their seemingly "primitive" culture, the GATHERER PEOPLE OF VARIOUS THIRD WORLD DESERTS invented micro-processors, the diesel engine and soap on a rope. And then Thomas Edison and Wall Street Bankers stole their inventions!  They have much to teach us, if we will only open our minds. Remember: An open hand cannot punch, only slap; an open eye cannot be blind except from a sharp stick and that is rare; an open mind cannot hate, except those who deserve to be hated, like Rush Limbaugh and baby seal clubbing racist Tea Partiers.

CLICKING DAY

According to Wikipedia, Gatherer People communicate using Clicking Language. This language has no words; the people communicate using a complex series of clicks, grunts and guttural throat clearing noises. In honor of this pure, organic method of speech, June 15 will be Clicking Day at MegaCorp. On this special day, all MegaCorp Associates, Managers, Supervisors, Overseers and Enlightened Corporate Elites must communicate by clicking. NO SPEAKING WILL BE PERMITTED.  Employees caught speaking will be sent home and a notation will appear in their permanent file stating that they are "Opposed to Diversity" and "Display Xenophobic Tendencies and Should Be Agressively Medicated."

Perhaps you are reading this and thinking: I'm so excited about Clicking Day, but I have a minor concern about how people will understand each other. Well, we have anticipated and solved that problem: Handy "Clicking Vocabulary Cards" will be passed out two weeks before Clicking Day. These cards will list 100 of the most commonly used Nouns and Verbs in English and provide you with their Clicking translation.

Example: "I have a sucking chest wound from mishandling my Asian Awareness Samurai sword, please ... gurgle ... call an ambulance!" is a simple, clicking phrase, rendered phonetically as: Click, clickclickclick, CLEEEEEEK, cuh, CUH!

A few hours of practice with your cards and you will be speaking like an aborigine in no time! And it will be FUN!

Remember: Our culture is not better than any other culture. Those who learn to appreciate and emulate other cultures are Wise and Good.  Those who celebrate their own culture are Jingoists and Nativists, just like Hitler.  And he was Bad.  Here at MegaCorp, we are constantly striving to create an environment where everyone can feel Assimilated Sensitive Inclusive Non-judgmental Important Noble Equal.

Please be sure your TPS reports are turned in before 4 pm.